These best dad jokes for kids are sure to have the whole family laughing…
Painfully cheesy and known to produce a groan – dad jokes are something we’re all used to hearing thanks to one certain family member and his questionable sense of humour. Indeed, Merriam Webster defines dad jokes as “a wholesome joke of the type said to be told by fathers with a punchline that is often an obvious or predictable pun or play on words and usually judged to be endearingly corny or unfunny.”
Whilst the majority may suck, we’ve managed to compile some of the best dad jokes around that actually promise to have the whole family in stitches. From knock-knock jokes to one-liners and extra corny crackers, swat up on a few old favourites or share some as a few fun things to do with kids when bored. You can mix them in with a few mind-blowing facts for kids too if you like.
Best dad jokes – award winners
For Father’s Day 2021, budget supermarket Aldi and toddler brand Mamia teamed up for a special Aldi Mamia Best Dad Joke contest. And these were the highlights:
I once hired a limo but when it arrived, the guy driving it walked off!
I said “Excuse me? Are you not going to drive me?”
The guy told me that the price didn’t include a driver…
… so I’d spent £400 on a limo and have nothing to chauffeur it!
(Winning entry – submitted by Austin May from Bedworth, Warwickshire)
Top 10 contenders:
1. Why did the man fall down the well? Because he didn’t see that well!
2. What did the pirate say on his eightieth birthday? “Aye Matey!”
3. Someone has glued my pack of cards together—I don’t know how to deal with it.
4. What do you call a zombie who cooks stir fries? Dead man wok-ing.
5. Why did the scarecrow get an award? Because he was out standing in his field!
6. I was stood behind a customer at an ATM and he turned around and said “could you check my balance?”—so I pushed him. His balance wasn’t that great.
7. I was wondering why the frisbee kept looking bigger and bigger, and then it hit me.
8. What did the daddy buffalo say to his son when he left for work? Bison.
9. Two guys walked into a bar. The third guy ducked.
10. What do you call a blind dinosaur? A Doyouthinkhesaurus!
Best dad joke one-liners:
1. I have a fear of speed bumps. I’m slowly getting over it.
2. I have a fear of elevators, but I’ve started taking steps to avoid it.
3. I was addicted to soap, but I’m clean now.
4. I used to be addicted to the hokey pokey, but then I turned myself around.
5. (Reversing the car) “Ahh, this takes me back.”
6. (Holding a step ladder) “This is my step ladder… I never knew my real ladder.”
7. Singing in the shower is fun until you get soap in your mouth. Then it’s a soap opera.
8. Time to take this cookie to the hospital. It’s feeling crummy.
9. It takes guts to be an organ donor.
10. I could tell a joke about pizza, but it’s a little cheesy.
11. Hey Maths – grow up and solve your own problems.
12. I’m so good at sleeping, I can do it with my eyes closed.
13. Sundays are always a little sad, but the day before is a sadder day.
14. Dogs can’t operate MRI machines. But catscan.
15. My dad told me a joke about boxing. I guess I missed the punch line.
16. I’m afraid for the calendar. Its days are numbered.
17. What do you call a fish wearing a bowtie? So-fish-ticated.
18. I once had a dream I was floating in an ocean of orange soda. It was more of a fanta-sea.
19. I told your mother she drew on her eyebrows too high. She seemed surprised.
20. My son asked me to put his shoes on, but I don’t think they’ll fit me.
21. I’ve got a great joke about construction, but I’m still working on it.
22. Sore throats are a pain in the neck.
23. I made a pencil with two erasers – it was pointless.
24. Did you know the Pope’s favourite scent is Pope-pourri?
25. I just got a promotion at the farm. I’m the new C-I-E-I-O.
26. I just broke up with my mathematician girlfriend. She was obsessed with an X.
27. When I die, I want to be cremated. It’s my last chance to have a smokin’ hot body.
28. To the person who stole my place in the queue. I’m after you now.
29. My printer’s name is Bob Marley. Because it’s always jammin’.
30. It’s inappropriate to make a ‘dad joke’ if you’re not a dad. It’s a faux pa.
31. Finally my winter fat has gone – now I have spring rolls.
32. Stop looking for the perfect match – use a lighter.
33. I can kayak – Canoe?
Best corny dad jokes:
34. What do you call a Frenchman wearing sandals? Philippe Flop
35. How Do Fish Get High? Seaweed
36. What do you call a man with a rubber toe? Roberto.
37. What does a lemon say when it answers the phone? “Yellow!”
38. What do you call a magician who loses his magic? Ian.
39. Why do melons have weddings? Because they cantaloupe.
40. How do you make Lady Gaga mad? Poke her face.
41. What does a house wear to a birthday party? Address.
42. Why do some couples go to the gym? Because they want their relationship to work out.
43. I don’t trust those trees. They seem kind of shady.
44. What do you call a fake noodle? An impasta.
45. I only know 25 letters of the alphabet. I don’t know y.
46. Why can’t a leopard hide? Because he’s always spotted.
47. Did you hear about the guy who invented the knock-knock joke? He won the ‘no-bell’ prize.
48. What do you call a belt made of watches? A waist of time.
49. Do you wanna box for your leftovers? No, but I’ll wrestle you for them.
50. What do you call a hot dog on wheels? Fast food!
51. I ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon. I’ll let you know what comes first.
52. How much does it cost Father Christmas to park his sleigh? Nothing, it’s on the house.
53. What do you call it when a group of apes starts a company? Monkey business.
54. Why don’t crabs give to charity? Because they’re shell-fish.
55. How do you follow Will Smith in the snow? You follow the fresh prints.
56. Why are toilets always so good at poker? They always get a flush
57. Mountains aren’t just funny. They’re hill areas.
58. Why can’t you trust stairs? They’re always up to something.
59. Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon? Great food, no atmosphere.
60. What kind of bird is always getting hurt? The owl.
61. How does the moon cut his hair? Eclipse it.
62. Why do bees have sticky hair? Because they use a honeycomb.
63. How do you get a country girl’s attention? A tractor.
Best dad jokes for kids:
64. Why is Peter Pan always flying? Because he Neverlands
65. What do you call a beehive without an exit? Unbelievable
66. What do you call a toothless bear? A gummy bear.
67. What did the police officer say to his belly-button? You’re under a vest.
68. What did the slow tomato say to the others? Don’t worry I’ll ketchup.
69. What do you call two octopuses that look the same? Itenticle.
70. What do you call a pony with a sore throat? A little hoarse.
71. What do you call cheese that isn’t yours? Nacho Cheese.
72. What do you call a man with no nose and no body? Nobody nose.
73. What’s red and smells like blue paint? Red paint.
74. Which bear is the most condescending? A pan-duh.
75. What did one hat say to the other? “Stay here! I’m going on ahead.”
76. Why is Peter Pan always flying? Because he Neverlands.
77. How does a penguin build its house? Igloos it together.
78. Why do pancakes always win at baseball? They have the best batter.
79. What kind of noise does a witch’s vehicle make? Brrrrooom, brrrooom.
80. Why don’t eggs tell jokes? Because they’d crack each other up.
81. What do a tick and the Eiffel Tower have in common? They’re both Paris sites.
82. Doctor, doctor, I’m terrified of squirrels. (Doctor replies:) You must be nuts.
83. How do you make a Kleenex dance? Put a little boogie in it!
84. Why was Cinderella thrown off the football team? She ran away from the ball.
85. Why are skeletons so calm? Because nothing gets under their skin.
86. What do you call a cow during an earthquake? A milkshake.
87. What do ghosts serve humans for dessert? I Scream.
88. How does Darth Vader like his toast? On the dark side.
89. What do you get when you cross a snowman and a vampire? Frost bite.
90. How many tickles does it take to make an octopus laugh? Ten tickles.
91. Where do sharks go on vacation? Finland.
Most cringe-worthy dad jokes
Online card retailer MoonPig surveyed the nation for the best Great British dad jokes and these were the 10 top results:
92. What do you call a boomerang that doesn’t come back? A stick.
93. Why do Dads take an extra pair of socks when they go golfing? In case they get a hole in one.
94. What’s the best time to go to the dentist? Tooth-Hurty.
95. A ham sandwich walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender says “sorry we don’t serve food here.”
96. What did the ocean say to the beach? Nothing, it just waved.
97. “Dad, did you get a haircut?” “No, I got them all cut.”
98. My wife asked me to stop singing ‘Wonderwall’ to her. I said “Maybe…”.
99. What is brown and sticky? A stick.
100. I slept like a log last night. Woke up in the fireplace!
101. I used to hate facial hair. Then it grew on me.
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